In Pursuit of Peace

Peace.

Such a common word, and yet, it has such depth of meaning. We all seek it. Long for it. Some of us know it, and have a rich understanding of a life lived in it. But, many of us wish we knew what it felt like to be settled and sure of ourselves, especially in these tumultuous times. 

What do you do when you feel like your entire world was ripped off its axis?

I for one am still seeking that answer. It is the end of the year, and the decade is drawing to a close. That fact has left me incredibly introspective as I've pondered on the last ten years of my life. So much has happened...but so much has changed. Even in the last year, correction, the last six months; I've seen my whole world change into something new. Now, I know this needed to happen. I needed to break free from the old ways, but I hadn't ever imagined it could be this...well, painful. I always knew change was uncomfortable. I knew going into this that it wouldn't be easy. But I hadn't expected EVERYTHING to shift into something new, all at once. And here I am, in December of 2019, wondering what in the world is going to happen next. 

It is hard this time of year. Harder then I'd expected it to be. 

I've only wanted peace, that often elusive quarry that sometimes seems fictional. To feel at ease with life and its many changes, and even when the ground shakes beneath my feet, to have a confidence that goes beyond my comprehension. I know I need to trust God despite everything, and believe me, I do. I know that He has carried me this far, and that He won't let me go now. But still, I needed to come to terms with how I felt, and WHY I felt that way. Faith isn't meant to invalidate hurt, it should provide comfort, as well as a hope, even during the most difficult times.

Because things sure can be difficult, can't they?

And life can be incredibly messy. But I know I'm not the only one who feels that way. The more I've talked to my friends and my coworkers, I've realized that the way I feel is actually quite common. And you know what? That was actually very relieving to know that I wasn't the only one. That I'm not alone. And then, it hit me. If I feel that way, then how many other people are out there who feel the same? 

Even though we live in a world of social media and vast technology, it is often an isolating one. 

Isn't that ironic? It is hard to find peace in a world that is constantly in turmoil. How can one feel like they truly belong in this world when there is so much disarray? Even in all of my frustrations and my longings that the world was a better place, I have to remind myself that this world will indeed be broken until Christ returns, and all is made right. You know, this earth has always been full of chaos and tragedy. Sin is a corrosion, it eats away at life and brings pain into our hearts. But that is exactly why Jesus came to earth, isn't it? To right all wrongs, and mend the broken. 

He was only a baby when He first came to rescue us, but when he returns, He'll come as a conquering king. When I feel discouraged, I focus on that truth. Peace may not be something I feel on a daily basis, but I know that as long as God's hand is on my life, I will be okay. We all will be okay. Even in the pain, the discouragement, the betrayal, the loss, and the abandonment. It will be okay. God is still on the throne, and He isn't going anywhere. 

Midnight Thoughts and Sleepless Ponderings

Writing at night can be cathartic, at least for me. It's something I've always found myself doing at some hour well past my bedtime. Funny, you realize you're an 'adult' when your bedtime is set in the manner of an established curfew. To think I had just graduated from the not-so-scheduled college life a mere six months ago. How does time fly so fast? It is a mystery I most likely will never uncover.

I've always found myself at my most introspective when I'm laying in my room in the dark. Perhaps it's just me, but something about the silence prompts deep thought. Reasons why I decided to write this post. I realized (yet again) that I've been a terrible blogger, not posting as regularly as I used to. While this is something I intend on remedying, I felt an explanation was in order.

Everything. Has. Been. So. Busy.

I'm not talking about the 'rushing to work and juggling a million friends and hobbies' busy. More like the 'work is my life and I don't do much else other then eat and sleep' busy. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. God has blessed me with a great job, wonderful coworkers, and temporal things that make living easier. It's nice to drive a car that doesn't break down. It's fantastic to write on a computer that doesn't freeze up every time I open a word document. I love having a cat to cuddle, the best friend/roommate anyone could ask for, and an apartment that is a truly peaceful place to live. I'm thankful for all these things...but at the end of the day, things can't make me happy. They can't give me peace of mind. Only God can truly satisfy my every need, and those needs go far beyond the physical. 

So what happens when you feel like you can never be happy?

December has finally rolled around (though let's be real, it came WAY too fast) and now I deem it appropriate to play my Christmas music and enjoy the beautiful decorations. As always, the nostalgic feelings strike me the hardest during the holidays, but this year is quite different. It is the first year I've spent the Christmas season away from my family. Also...I'm no longer a college student. That in and of itself is just weird. Just. Weird. It has brought its own challenges, and through this tumultuous time, I've had to learn to trust God in every area of my life. And of course, that means I discovered that there were WAY more areas in my life that I needed to surrender to God. Ouch. Yeah, that definitely wasn't an easy realization. 

Have you ever come to a crossroad in your life and realized that so much has changed?

Now, don't get me wrong. In my case, this change needed to happen. It has been healthy, and SO desperately needed. But any kind of change carries its own weight, stress, and sometimes even trauma. It just works that way. Though, through it all, I had struggled to trust God through every wind and wave the trials would toss my way. If God truly is who He says He is, shouldn't things be a bit...well, easier? At least, that's what I had erroneously thought. Turns out I was wrong, and it wasn't the first time. Definitely won't be the last. The point is, I had to learn that I needed to rely on God when everything seemed pointless, and when the weight of discouragement was so heavy, I felt like I was physically struggling to breathe. 

I learned that I had to surrender my all to Christ in despite of my fear to let go. 

Because at the end of the day, I had to choose who I trusted more. God, or the fear that threatened to keep my faith stagnant. Granted, this time of year isn't always easy. I can think of many family members and even some friends that aren't here on this earth to enjoy it with me. And even though that's the case, I have to remind myself that there's a reason why I'm still here. Even when everything seems hopeless and life appears to have a lot of grey, I know without a doubt that my heart is beating for a purpose. And so is yours.