Depression: Waging a Different Kind of War

When war is mentioned, vivid images of violence and destruction often come to mind. A struggle between forces for a cause, or sometimes, none at all. War involves great cost, and even greater loss. How many have died defending their country, spilling their blood for an idea, or simply an order? Regardless of your political views on war, there simply are times when peace isn't an option. When the only other alternative is death and destruction, you'll find that action is a very convincing decision. It never ceases to amaze me how far people will go to survive, no matter what.

War is a commonly understood term, but can there be different kinds of war that can't be waged the same way? Perhaps a type of war that lingers far closer to home, and can ring louder then gunfire in our homes and media? Friends, I must say that there indeed is. This war affects many, it is wide in its spread, and horrific in its reach. It all begins with two words. 

Depression. Suicide.

Several years ago, I never would have thought that those two words would one day have such a depth of meaning in my life. Given that those words carried little weight in my own existence, I honestly didn't have much knowledge on the subject. I was, as one would say, naive to the ever-growing problem that was rapidly spreading in the world around me. The war that was taking hold. This war is often silent, and remains (unfortunately) covert in our day-to-day lives.

Unless you've been touched by it.

I remember feeling confused when my best friend of twelve years began acting 'strange'. From my perspective, there really wasn't any other way to put it. Her joy and excitement in life began to fade away, and a darkness settled in her eyes that honestly terrified me. I remember thinking, "what's wrong with her? She's not being herself." As the days turned to months, and months to years, I watched her slip further and further into a shadow of herself, and I was helpless, unable to do anything but watch in frightened confusion. Sure, I tried to talk to her about it, but it never really got anywhere. It felt like a wall was being built between us, but it was a structure not simply wrought by human hands, often not even her own. But how could it be breached?

What was I missing?

Unbeknownst to myself, that war was waging in my friend's mind and heart, a war of natural ailments, but also spiritual causes. I had known that she had been fighting severe anxiety, as well as other situations that had taken a heavy toll on her mentally and physically. The depression was showing its ugly head with fading discretion, and the battles were very hard for us both. Even in the times when she wouldn't act like herself, I had refused to abandon her, and stuck with her through it. I've always believed she was (and still is) worth loving, and never listened when she told me to pay no attention to her lows. Well...I'm sure glad I didn't listen.

As time sped on, the war continued to rage, growing louder and louder until it was nearly impossible to be noticed. Before I knew it, it was time for me to head off to college, and I suddenly found myself in a new place, my old life behind me. Uprooted from my home and placed into new soil, a day still didn't go by without texting or talking to my friend. I had known she wasn't doing too well. However, I hadn't been aware of HOW dangerous things were becoming. It began to concern me when there was an increase of late-night talks that were riddled with negativity and suicidal jokes. I never found them funny, but the rate of their increase had me concerned. Then, I remember asking the question. Was she suicidal? She'd always tell me she was fine, but a part of me didn't believe her.

Something just never sat right, and it continued to eat at me until it couldn't be denied. Even then, when I wasn't fully aware of the severe danger of the situation, I had begun to realize that there was something incredibly sinister going on. It wasn't drama, no was it an overreaction on either of our parts; it was a war. Some kind of sick, quiet, despicably mad war terrorizing us. The problem? It was going largely unaddressed, and my friend was very much alone. Even then, not having a full understanding of the situation, God was tugging on my heart to reach out even more, and to be there for her when she hit her lows. And so I did, to the best of my strength, and it's by God alone that we both got through those times.

It was definitely by God alone that we endured the trials to come.

Everything changed when I began to have a series of nightmares that scared me so bad, I had no choice but to jump into action. The dreams all centered on my friend's death, specifically death by suicide. I have always had very vivid dreams, but to have several of these dreams with such a heavy, scary reoccurring theme...something had to be wrong. It wasn't until the fourth dream really rattled me to the core that I spoke up to her about them. I hadn't wanted her to think that I was crazy (it's not the first time I've had very realistic, scary dreams) but I knew I had to act. I told her about them, and she was completely stunned. To my shock (and honestly, horror) she told me that the worst of the dreams was prophetic. She had planned to act that nightmare out, and to this day we both believe that God warned us through that dream, and inadvertently stopped her from making a terrible mistake.

Now, please understand that I am telling this story with all the respect and sensitivity possible. This war we both found ourselves in wasn't a game, and lives were at stake. I say lives because I truly believe that had my friend committed suicide, it would have opened the door for more loss in the wake of such tragedy. 

Over the following summer, I had returned to the job we both worked, and I realized that nothing was changing, and definitely not getting better. And so, I asked the question. I asked her if she were seriously suicidal, and as opposed to an answer hidden behind a phone screen, she couldn't hide the truth. I remember watching as she hung her head, and despite her walls, they crumbled to reveal the truth. Yes...she was. And she was in danger. 

It was then that I was faced with a sobering question: how far would I be willing to go to save someone I loved? Not that I could save her, if anything, I felt just as trapped and helpless as she did in that moment. However, even though I'm not God, and I can't save people, I can be the hands and feet of Jesus, and be a light in the darkness. So that's what I tried to do. I asked her to seek out help through counseling, something that she hadn't been very willing to do. Whether it was because of my stubbornness, or God's prompting, she made the steps to get professional help. 

As time has passed, she has made a tremendous amount of recovery, but the war isn't over, yet. The thing that comes to mind in this situation ironically has nothing to do with depression, but I feel it is still applicable. In Thomas Paine's American Crisis, he had written something that always made me ponder on its meaning.

"These are the times that try men's souls. The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country; but he that stands by it now, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman. Tyranny, like hell, it not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly: it is dearness only that gives every thing its value."

Obviously Paine wrote this when my country was embittered in warfare that didn't seem to ever have victory in sight. Many refused to fight, others fled in fear, and yet some still stood to fight with a dream in their hearts that many never lived to see. As Christians, we have to view this war with depression as a very real conflict that requires very real action. Paine said that they had to stand with their country, and I say this could be applied to our friends and loved ones in the fight with depression. Will we stand with them through this fight? Or will we be 'summer soldiers', only fit to support and encouraged when it's a good day? 

"The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph." 

Can we not apply this to depression? It's certainly not an easy conflict, nor is it a short one...but it doesn't come without grace. God doesn't abandon His children, and depression, though aggressive and ugly, doesn't stand a chance against the might of our God. 

Yes, depression is a war. And like every war requires, we must be armed with the appropriate weapons in order to wage it and win. If your friend a loved one is lost in the mire of isolation and defeat, it is up to you to with seemingly no way out, then we must jump down in there with them and stick by their side through the firefight. This war can be won. Let me repeat that, this war CAN be won. It doesn't have to end in heartbreak, anger, and shame. We don't have to sit through another funeral, another memorial service, or even send another confused, uninformed text. We can be the light in their darkness if we allow God to use us. If we remain inactive and placidly sit on the sidelines, we aren't doing a single thing to help those who are engaged in all out war. If anything, we ourselves are to blame.

1. Paine, Thomas. The American Crisis. http://www.ushistory.org/paine/crisis/c-01.htm
2. Photo not mine, found on Google Images

When Darkness Rises: Facing Fear and the Call for Courage

You've probably heard it before. That screaming voice in your head that tells you that your dreams are too big, too bold, and impossible. You've probably felt it before. That twinge of anxiety in your heart that rattles the fledgling hope inside, causing you to doubt. And yes, you've probably seen it before. The events that shape your life and cause you to question everything you know, including that dream that's lived in your mind for so long. If you were to tell me that you've never experienced any of these things, I'd love to talk with you and see what I've been missing, because I've personally felt and lived every single word listed above. I believe that many of you have, too.

We all have dreams and goals, but often life tries to crush them before they can come to reality.

Is the pursuit still worth it, even amidst the struggle? Are dreams worth the trouble to obtain, or are they simply wistful thinking in a world gone crazy?

 I'd like to argue that they ARE worth it, despite the trials and tribulation. The problem is, fear often paralyzes us from action, and fear is at the root of many trials we face when trying to make a difference. When our ideas are growing, they are small and imaginative, and as they grow (and us with them), we find the need to take more and more action to see it through to completion. The thing with action is that it involves risk, and any time risk is involved, fear comes as well.

Have you ever felt so frozen by fear, that you can't properly function in normal life? I sure have. There have been times when I've been so scared of the fear of the unknown, I've been stuck in place without seeing much progress. You see, fear stops us from doing what we're called to do, and if we stay stuck long enough, it can rob us of our dreams and callings. I myself have come to realize that there have been areas in my own life that have been stuck, and not progressing forward out of fear that I'll never succeed. Isn't that such a silly oxymoron? I'm afraid I won't succeed, and so I lock up and do nothing. Sounds like useless, unproductive fear to me.

The Bible has a lot to say about fear, but it also has even more to say about God's faithfulness. There is a perfect example of this in Psalms 145, verses 14 through 16.

"The Lord upholds all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look expectantly to You, and You give them their food in due season. You open Your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing."

If God will always provide us with what we need, then surely He can provide us with the courage we need to face our fears and fulfill our destinies. The fear that tries to capture our hearts and dull our minds cannot stand against our God, and that darkness will always flee from His light.

Another verse (also) from Psalm 145, verses 18 and 19, that carry an incredible importance, and have helped me through many dark times.

"The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth. He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him; He also will hear their cry and save them."

I personally have challenged myself to focus on what God says about my future, dreams, and the unknown over the fear that's tried to freeze my mind. It hasn't been easy, but I truly believe it is incredibly necessary. If we are ever to see our dreams succeed, we must be willing to tread into unknown territory and face our fears. God gives us everything we need in order to fulfill His call on our lives, and that surely means courage comes in that package.

The best way I can sum this up is in the words of a little poem I wrote the other day:

There is a whole world to explore,

A world of darkness and light.

Destiny awaits 

When you challenge the night.

Light shatters the shadow's rage, 

No matter it's strength.

Yet, can a hero take on courage

Can we ever be truly brave?

The thing is, we can have that courage, but it only comes through Christ. We shouldn't ever give up on our dreams, because they are God-given, a part of who you are, and unique to you. The enemy always tries to make himself bigger then he really is, and his weapon of fear is the same. If we can look past its exterior, it is really smaller then it seems. 

I challenge you to face your fears, no matter how hard it may be, because I promise that it is worth it. God has amazing things planned for each and every one of us, but we must first be willing to step into the unknown in order to give Him feet to our faith. 

(Image and Poem (c)2018 Elizabeth Hornberger)