In Pursuit of Peace

Peace.

Such a common word, and yet, it has such depth of meaning. We all seek it. Long for it. Some of us know it, and have a rich understanding of a life lived in it. But, many of us wish we knew what it felt like to be settled and sure of ourselves, especially in these tumultuous times. 

What do you do when you feel like your entire world was ripped off its axis?

I for one am still seeking that answer. It is the end of the year, and the decade is drawing to a close. That fact has left me incredibly introspective as I've pondered on the last ten years of my life. So much has happened...but so much has changed. Even in the last year, correction, the last six months; I've seen my whole world change into something new. Now, I know this needed to happen. I needed to break free from the old ways, but I hadn't ever imagined it could be this...well, painful. I always knew change was uncomfortable. I knew going into this that it wouldn't be easy. But I hadn't expected EVERYTHING to shift into something new, all at once. And here I am, in December of 2019, wondering what in the world is going to happen next. 

It is hard this time of year. Harder then I'd expected it to be. 

I've only wanted peace, that often elusive quarry that sometimes seems fictional. To feel at ease with life and its many changes, and even when the ground shakes beneath my feet, to have a confidence that goes beyond my comprehension. I know I need to trust God despite everything, and believe me, I do. I know that He has carried me this far, and that He won't let me go now. But still, I needed to come to terms with how I felt, and WHY I felt that way. Faith isn't meant to invalidate hurt, it should provide comfort, as well as a hope, even during the most difficult times.

Because things sure can be difficult, can't they?

And life can be incredibly messy. But I know I'm not the only one who feels that way. The more I've talked to my friends and my coworkers, I've realized that the way I feel is actually quite common. And you know what? That was actually very relieving to know that I wasn't the only one. That I'm not alone. And then, it hit me. If I feel that way, then how many other people are out there who feel the same? 

Even though we live in a world of social media and vast technology, it is often an isolating one. 

Isn't that ironic? It is hard to find peace in a world that is constantly in turmoil. How can one feel like they truly belong in this world when there is so much disarray? Even in all of my frustrations and my longings that the world was a better place, I have to remind myself that this world will indeed be broken until Christ returns, and all is made right. You know, this earth has always been full of chaos and tragedy. Sin is a corrosion, it eats away at life and brings pain into our hearts. But that is exactly why Jesus came to earth, isn't it? To right all wrongs, and mend the broken. 

He was only a baby when He first came to rescue us, but when he returns, He'll come as a conquering king. When I feel discouraged, I focus on that truth. Peace may not be something I feel on a daily basis, but I know that as long as God's hand is on my life, I will be okay. We all will be okay. Even in the pain, the discouragement, the betrayal, the loss, and the abandonment. It will be okay. God is still on the throne, and He isn't going anywhere. 

Midnight Thoughts and Sleepless Ponderings

Writing at night can be cathartic, at least for me. It's something I've always found myself doing at some hour well past my bedtime. Funny, you realize you're an 'adult' when your bedtime is set in the manner of an established curfew. To think I had just graduated from the not-so-scheduled college life a mere six months ago. How does time fly so fast? It is a mystery I most likely will never uncover.

I've always found myself at my most introspective when I'm laying in my room in the dark. Perhaps it's just me, but something about the silence prompts deep thought. Reasons why I decided to write this post. I realized (yet again) that I've been a terrible blogger, not posting as regularly as I used to. While this is something I intend on remedying, I felt an explanation was in order.

Everything. Has. Been. So. Busy.

I'm not talking about the 'rushing to work and juggling a million friends and hobbies' busy. More like the 'work is my life and I don't do much else other then eat and sleep' busy. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. God has blessed me with a great job, wonderful coworkers, and temporal things that make living easier. It's nice to drive a car that doesn't break down. It's fantastic to write on a computer that doesn't freeze up every time I open a word document. I love having a cat to cuddle, the best friend/roommate anyone could ask for, and an apartment that is a truly peaceful place to live. I'm thankful for all these things...but at the end of the day, things can't make me happy. They can't give me peace of mind. Only God can truly satisfy my every need, and those needs go far beyond the physical. 

So what happens when you feel like you can never be happy?

December has finally rolled around (though let's be real, it came WAY too fast) and now I deem it appropriate to play my Christmas music and enjoy the beautiful decorations. As always, the nostalgic feelings strike me the hardest during the holidays, but this year is quite different. It is the first year I've spent the Christmas season away from my family. Also...I'm no longer a college student. That in and of itself is just weird. Just. Weird. It has brought its own challenges, and through this tumultuous time, I've had to learn to trust God in every area of my life. And of course, that means I discovered that there were WAY more areas in my life that I needed to surrender to God. Ouch. Yeah, that definitely wasn't an easy realization. 

Have you ever come to a crossroad in your life and realized that so much has changed?

Now, don't get me wrong. In my case, this change needed to happen. It has been healthy, and SO desperately needed. But any kind of change carries its own weight, stress, and sometimes even trauma. It just works that way. Though, through it all, I had struggled to trust God through every wind and wave the trials would toss my way. If God truly is who He says He is, shouldn't things be a bit...well, easier? At least, that's what I had erroneously thought. Turns out I was wrong, and it wasn't the first time. Definitely won't be the last. The point is, I had to learn that I needed to rely on God when everything seemed pointless, and when the weight of discouragement was so heavy, I felt like I was physically struggling to breathe. 

I learned that I had to surrender my all to Christ in despite of my fear to let go. 

Because at the end of the day, I had to choose who I trusted more. God, or the fear that threatened to keep my faith stagnant. Granted, this time of year isn't always easy. I can think of many family members and even some friends that aren't here on this earth to enjoy it with me. And even though that's the case, I have to remind myself that there's a reason why I'm still here. Even when everything seems hopeless and life appears to have a lot of grey, I know without a doubt that my heart is beating for a purpose. And so is yours. 

Where is God in my turmoil? - Finding Rest in the Chaos

I've been meaning to post something on here for quite some time, and it's been frustrating, due to the fact that my mind has been blanking on a topic. What can I write about when my entire life seems to be in massive upheaval? Not to sound dramatic or anything, but it's been tough, I won't lie. What do you do when everything you thought was going well suddenly takes a downward plunge? What do you do when your life isn't what you thought it would be? What do you do when you feel unhappy?

These are all questions that have been resting on my heart, and yet, rest is the thing I truly need.

Rest is something we always talk about, but it's something we rarely master. I stand guilty for that one, for certain. Why is finding rest so difficult, I wonder? Is it simply an unattainable myth that we keep alive in vain hope, or something more? I believe it is the latter.  We struggle to find rest because we desperately wrestle with the concept of surrender. We, as people, tend to be very stubborn. We want our own ways, our goals, and our dreams to come true. And we will do almost anything at times to see those things come to fruition. But where is God in all of this?

I'll openly admit that I've been confused, and even (a little bit) scared by the events in my life. Well, more like the lack of events in my life. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining! I simply am seeking my next steps, as we all are. However, over the past couple of months I noticed that something was missing in my life, something massively important. That's right, rest. I've had plenty of anxiety, worry, and even anger in the mix, but after I did some soul searching, I found that to be very alarming.

Why have I been letting my fears rule me instead of my faith?

And so, I turned to the Word, because I know without a shadow of a doubt that it works. Even in my lowest lows or darkest days, I've found I still have a choice. I can either trust God, or continue to needlessly panic in my flawed, human fashion. It was in a time similar to what I just described that it finally hit me. I've been fighting so hard to try to make things 'better' when I've been struggling against the very One who guides my every step.

I envision it to be similar to a ship in a storm, being tossed to and fro by the wind and waves. The ship could easily be damaged or torn apart in the gale, and not only does it have to endure the storm, but the captain must know how to navigate through it.

We often try to command the ships of our lives, and yet we fail to understand that we are ill equipped to do so.

The Bible has a lot to say about rest, as well as it's source. In Matthew 11: 28-30, it says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

God doesn't want us to struggle in the wasteland and flounder in the churning seas. He wants us to draw near to Him, near to His heart. Often times we run from his care, erroneously thinking that we can handle things on our own. In our mistakes and mishaps, we tend to feel the most lost and disconnected from meaning in our lives, when all the while, God has always been there with open arms.

Let me tell you something; in order to find rest, true rest, we must surrender everything at the foot of the cross.

And everything means everything. We can't retain some things and surrender others. We are either wholly committed to Christ, or not at all. There's no such thing as a lukewarm Christian, contrary to popular belief. It's great to have dreams, goals, and visions for the future. It's awesome to aim for those things and strive to better yourself, too. But the danger lies in the obsession. This is something I've had to learn myself over the past couple of months. When we become too tunnel-visioned on our dreams, we run the risk of idolizing those things and placing them on pedestals that only God should be on.

For me, I found my identity more in my writing then I did in Christ. And you know what? That realization hurt. Badly. I've only ever wanted to honor God with my writing, but along the way I focused so much on my identity as an author that I lost focus of my identity in Christ. And you know what? Sometimes it takes God having to do something drastic to get our attention. It all depends on how we handle it.

I for one knew, and know, that God is the one who gave me this ability and passion to begin with. Without Him, I wouldn't have it, nor would I even be alive. That is why I've had to seek rest, even amidst the turmoil of the uncertain future, and trust that God is the captain at the helm of my ship, and not me. Praise God I don't have to steer this thing! Sure, I'll try sometimes, and attempt to steer the ship with shaking hands and cracked lips. But ultimately I never could get myself out of (or into) any situations without His tender guidance. The important thing is that I had to surrender my control over to Him.

Surrender never is easy, but it is a life-altering choice.

We often think that we can do everything ourselves, and shun help. The problem with that thinking is that we fail to realize how desperately wrong we can be. Only by seeking God and finding rest in His peace will we ever be able to weather the storms of life. Perhaps I'm the only one who is fighting this internal struggle, but I'd wager that I'm not. We all need to find rest and peace, and sadly we often go to costly lengths to try to find it. I encourage you to seek God, as I am seeking Him, and to try to identify areas in your lives that you need to surrender to Him.

Once you're surrendered your cares to Christ, you'll be amazed one day when you look back on your life, and see how He carried you through every storm, every step of the way.





*Image courtesy of Google Images, not mine. 

Meaning - A Creative Nonfiction Piece

I've been writing a lot lately, focusing on my fiction pieces, as well as poetry for my upcoming poetry book Dauntless. This isn't a poem, it's more of what I would consider a creative nonfiction piece, but I wanted to share it with you regardless. Maybe you won't be able to relate to the words below, but perhaps you will. And if you do, I hope that these words spark the revelation that you're not alone in your struggles, no matter how empty and hollow everything seems. 

This is not just a snapshot of my personal journey, but of other's as well. This piece is an accumulation of stories, of struggles, and of healing hearts. I hope that in some small way, these words can be relatable, open, honest, and perhaps even healing. 

Meaning

I woke up at 3 AM again. Sometimes I don’t think my heart ever slows in my sleep. It beats so fast that I wonder if something is wrong with me. But that’s not a new concern to torment my mind. Nowadays, the question is reversed. What isn’t wrong with me? The blankets are heavy, but I can’t get warm, and the air’s chill can’t be shaken. I wish I didn’t always wake up this late, well, this early. Not when I know I have work in a few short hours. Why can’t I just get some rest?

Inhale, exhale. The words are so deeply embedded in my mind, they might as well be branded there. Just breathe, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to trick myself into sleep.

I was never taught how to battle anxiety. I wasn’t ever trained in the warfare of the mind, not when it is sick. Maybe just a mental cold, but still, quite uncomfortable. I don’t like the feeling of the tremor in my bones. It’s settled there permanently nowadays, it seems.

The lamplight is still filtering through the curtains, unwilling to grant total darkness for my tired eyes. Even though I’m laying still, my heart still feels so heavy. And for what? The day wasn’t terrible, nothing horrendous occurred. I didn’t have my very existence questioned by a stroke of fate, and yet, why do I still struggle to find that answer? The floor creaks, but I know it’s from the other apartment. Still, I rise to check the door, and look down the dark hall with minor trepidation. As always, nothing awaits in the dark…just my thoughts. And believe me, they don’t ever grow quiet. If anything, they’ve been getting louder, harder to drown out.

I remember when I was the person who was firm of faith, unbreakable of spirit; the one who helped everyone else. Now…what am I but a broken person trying to desperately rediscover her own pieces? No amount of glue can make the shreds adhere to the form they once were, and even as I piece them together with scarred, bloodstained hands, I know they won’t ever be the same. For good or ill, only time can tell.

Are my fears legitimate? Are my concerns validated? Or do people simply misunderstand why I get so upset to the point that my hands shake? Why I get so weighed down I sometimes cry myself to sleep at night? Certain things make me feel unsafe, trapped, stuck in obedient misery. After all, I have to be understanding, willing to make sacrifices, right? The world expects compliance, and yet my very heartbeat wrestles with defiance. Why do I have to put up with things that make me feel like I’m in a cage? I’ve made sacrifices for many, but would anyone ever make a sacrifice for me? Look, I’m not selfish. I’m not even angry. I’m just a hurting soul on a journey of discovery. There are a few who fight for me, who would die for me. They make life worth it when I’m lost and afraid and hold my head up, so I don’t drown in this sick parade. But most people, they’re selfish, and will drain and drain until you’re empty, then discard you.

Do they even know what it’s like to feel so alone? Stuck on a slippery slope trying not to fall? When I hit the floor will they come running? Or will I always feel so abandoned, left in darkness, stranded? A kind word is a rarity. In my mind, everything can be so disparaging. I breathe and I wonder if I’ll ever find connection. Or am I destined to always be so helpless? God, I don’t want to be worthless, please, show me I have a purpose. My heart beats for a reason, but when will I know what that is?

They tell me I’m not crazy, but what is sanity other then different points of view?

(Image courtesy of Google Images, not my own.)

Christianity - At What Cost?

Life often throws curve balls that we don't expect. Just like a summer storm can appear on the horizon with little warning, we often are found completely unprepared for change. The reality is that when the wind that whips in our faces as a thunderstorm approaches, the warning signs of potentially damaging weather are all there. People have often told me that life offers no such warnings, situations always coming unexpectedly, whether good or bad. While I certainly have dealt with such change in my relatively short lifespan, I've come to realize that there are indeed signs of change, regardless of the situation. The problem is that we are so often woefully blind to it, and we can't afford that luxury anymore.

Friends, there is a real enemy out there. He wants to steal, kill, and destroy everything in your life. He almost took someone incredibly close to me, and God in His mercy and grace redeemed and restored the situation in a way that I in my most desperate prayers hadn't even imagined. I've never seen someone change for the better so dramatically in just a mere four months, and I know for a fact that without God's direct hand in the situation, that change never would have occurred. The amount of gratitude and awe I am experiencing after looking that person in the eye and seeing the fire of God in Her eyes changed me. Truly, truly changed me. And over the past two days, I have never felt so convicted hearing someone who once shunned God tell me that we need to live every day like it is our last.

Let me tell you something. Battles change a person, for better or for worse. You can always see it in their eyes. Seeing someone so dear to me, someone who I had feared for her life, talk openly about faith, breakthrough, and being unashamed for Christ made me take a look inward and realize there's a lot of junk cluttering my own soul. We should live every day like our last, and yet we live every minute pretending that we're eternal on this side of heaven. We treat grace like a credit card that we can use as long as we don't max it out, and even then we can make payments to continue using it, ignoring the fact that we're only obtaining more debt.

I find it so interesting that God often uses the most unlikely people to carry His message of truth, including those who are younger then myself. It was through this person that I was issued a very profound challenge. Am I truly living my life for Christ, or do I have Him stuck in my back pocket, only to be brought out when I need help, like some sort of cosmic genie? Is He truly my everything, or just a part of my world? Would I really sacrifice everything for Him to the point of death? Would I be willing to surrender the totality of my life for Him? And an ever more difficult question remains...

Would I be willing to live for Him?

I have made a new commitment to Christ. For too long we have been stuck in 'modern' Christianity with all of its nuances, pomp, and circumstances. I'm not saying that the modern Church is a failure, but there are a lot of things that need to change if we are ever going to truly be the Church Jesus died for us to be. I myself have been a part of this, and am just as much to blame. How many times have I personally skirted on the edges of both camps, thinking it was safe to dwell in the world, as well as live my life as a Christian?

We must realize that we truly are living in the last days. We don't have the luxury of pretending we're not in a war, when the reality is that it is raging all around us. The problem is that we need to open our eyes and unplug our ears so that we can see the chaos around us for what it truly is: a broken world that is in desperate need of redemption. It also is a world that will be judged one day, and I don't know about you, but I want to be on the right side of the line when it is drawn. We all say that we are Christians, but do we truly understand what it means to be one? What true sacrifice is? I for one sure haven't. To be honest, I don't know how true persecution feels. I'm am American who has never left her country, has never crossed the ocean, and has never set foot in another country. Do I want to? Absolutely. I truly believe that God has called me to Germany, and one day I know that dream of mine to travel there will come true. Don't ask me why, either, because I don't have the answer yet. All I know is that I have a passion for that country, and one day I believe that it will all make sense. But you know what? Sometimes God doesn't want things to make sense. Sometimes He wants us to follow in in full obedience and trust, having faith that no matter how scary things get, we are committed to the Kingdom, and not our own earthly desires.

I for one refuse to live a lukewarm life. I sure have a lot to work on in my own life, but there are a lot of hurting people out there, and if I don't focus on my own walk with God, I'll never be able to be used by Him to help those people. I can't fix someone else's wounds when I'm bleeding out due to my own. I am reminded of the scripture in Isaiah 6:8 that says, "And I heard the Voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?" I said, "Here I am, send me."

The reality is that we'll never be perfect. We'll never have it all together. But you know what? That doesn't disqualify us from honoring God with our lives and deciding to serve Him. We are standing on a precipice that has been birthed of our choices, both good and bad, and we can't keep using the grace card to think we can get away with sin and live our lives for ourselves. We are either on the throne of our hearts, or God is. There's no sharing that seat...but sadly a lot of people believe it's a co-dependent relationship. We must choose who we are going to serve, and once we decide that we are indeed going to live for Christ, we actually need to do so, even if that means great personal sacrifice. Because ultimately, it will be worth it in the end. No matter what hardships we face, if God is in the center of it, we can know that it isn't a pointless struggle. Even when we question the terrors of the night, we always believe that the light of the sun will touch our faces each dawn. If we can't live our lives fully surrendered to Christ, which is a day by day walk, then we are meddling with the enemy and will be in for a rude awakening one day. If we truly want to serve Christ, then we must make that leap of faith, fully surrendering our own desires, and letting go of the fear that tethers us to the ground so we can touch the sky.

I wrote a short poem that I think is a fitting close to this post. I am aware that some of my writing may come across strong, but the truth cannot be sugarcoated. I encourage you all to truly seek God, and ask for Him to transform your lives. Believe me, you won't regret it.

Green lights, pale faces,
Onward, the dawn races,
Into the hectic life we know.

Striving, ever onward,
To always try to conquer,
The untamed beats of time.

When will we realize we're riddled with grace?
Unfazed, the sun hits our cheeks every morn.
The wind banishes our fears from every trace,
Of the ache that rises like mountains, forlorn.

Someday we will recognize the truth,
That blazes ever onward like the stars.
Our striving isn't wasted in our youth,
One day, our dreams won't be so far.





(Image obtained on google images, not my own.)

Courageous: Breaking the Mental Health Stigma in the Church

We’ve all heard the words before.

“Just have more faith, it’ll be okay.”

But is it really okay? No. When people of great faith fight battles that don't seem to go away, is it truly a weakness of belief in God's power on their behalf? I know many people who fit into this category, and I know for certain that their faith is not too small, nor is God too weak. The reality is that a lot of God-fearing Christians struggle with mental health battles, and are largely misunderstood in the place that they should be supported and understood the most. I wish this statement wasn't true. We, the body of Christ, are called to be His hands and feet, but more often then not those hands hurt the wounded and the feet drive the misunderstood away. Why is this the case? Is it a simple misunderstanding, or a choice by many to remain ignorant to the truth? The answer is both.

The subject of mental health is already often confusing to a lot of people, especially if they’ve never experienced a mental illness firsthand or had a family member or friend battle it. Because of that fact, many don’t understand it or regard it as an actual illness, but that doesn’t make ignorance okay. Especially in the body of Christ.

The Bible is clear that the mind is powerful, and it is chock-full with scriptures describing it as the battlefield where true wars are waged. It should be noted that in Matthew 22:37, Jesus says, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." We know a lot about the spiritual importance of the heart and soul, as both of these have strong symbolic meaning in the Word, but what about the mind? Why would the mind be mentioned alongside these two if it wasn't just as important? The reality is that we are so quick to question the heart and intent of a subject, but intent doesn't reside in the heart alone. Intent also is borne of the mind. The mind is where the greatest battles take place, and it is a critical weapon in our arsenal...the problem is that we have no idea how impactful it is, or how to use it. In 2 Corinthians 1:4-5, it says "For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ." That doesn't sound like a petty circumstance to me. The Bible is clear that we as Christians must take our thoughts captive and train our thoughts onto Christ. Much like a soldier who prepares for battle, we are charged with the task of guarding our hearts and minds.

So, what does all of this have to do with mental illness? Well, I'm glad you asked. The stigma that mental illness is simply an attention-seeking pity grab has been a long-lasting one. I still to this day run into people who don't believe that mental illnesses are real. Others, that counseling is a sham. Sadly, I've run into many people in the church who adhere to these beliefs, and it deeply saddens me. As Christ followers, we of all people should understand that because the mind is such a powerful weapon, the enemy is going to do everything he can to attack it. Now, let me be clear, I am not saying that mental illnesses are purely spiritual. Just as the body can experience a cold of the flu, the mind can experience real sickness, too. Yes, the Word is powerful and God is mightier then any ailment, but that doesn't mean that we should pass off a very real sickness for fiction.

Now, I'm not attacking anyone or attempting to condemn. My heart behind this article is to educate. I myself do not fight a mental illness, and I know that sounds strange. Don't people who actually struggle with something speak up about it? If I don't fight it, what could I possibly have to say? A whole lot more then one might actually think. The reality is that more people need to raise awareness, and more people need to take a stand for what's right. I'm no hero or champion in any regard, but I don't like any kind of bully...especially bullies that have names such as depression and anxiety. Many of my friends fight these two illnesses, and by being there for them and supporting them, I've learned a whole lot. I see what helps them...but I also see what hurts them. The sad truth is that more things hurt then heal, and a lot of people don't understand what they actually face on a daily basis. I myself only have a glimpse into the life of someone who has to wake up every morning wishing that they didn't. The kind of pain that is a constant in their lives. I've seen them hurt by the church, and so burnt out by it all that they've almost walked from their faith. But also, I have seen such an incredible strength, as well as a courageous trust in God despite that pain. The kind of strength that makes you blink in unbelief when they get back up despite the blood on their lip and still keep fighting.

The reality is that if the world thinks those who fight with a mental illness are weak, those people have never seen true strength. They also don't understand true faith. Paul certainly understood it, and 2 Corinthians 12:10 clearly explains this, "That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." True strength is found when we lay aside our own pride and glory and surrender those desires to Christ. Instead of adhering to pious religion, we as Christians must lay aside our own desires to take up Christ. The problem is that a lot of people like 'playing Christian' but don't actually ever serve the God they say they love so much. When the heart is lukewarm, there's no conviction. And when there's no conviction, there's no standard. And when there's no standard...there's no true alliance. Thankfully, that doesn't have to be the case. God wants His people to turn to Him, He desires for us to walk with Him in this path called life. God is loving, and we are never alone. A truly wonderful scripture comes to mind when I think of the pain this world is riddled with. In Psalms 73:26, it says, "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Also, in Isaiah 40:29, we are reminded that, "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak."

I am well aware that I could easily be addressing both sides of this subject in this article, and that's okay. I want to encourage, but also to educate. If you're struggling with any form of mental illness, please take heart, and know that you're not as alone as you think you are. You're a fighter...and you've made it this far. God loves you, and He hasn't abandoned you, even in the darkest moments when you feel like you have nothing left. Just wait, and hang on a little longer; you're closer to the light then you know. Perhaps you're in the same situation as myself, maybe someone you love is fighting this war, and you want to do everything you can to help. Please believe me when I say this; you ARE helping, and what you do DOES make a difference. Don't let your fears, discouragement, and even weariness wear you down. Remember that God is your strength, and that you are loved. Maybe, just maybe, you've even lost someone along the way to suicide. I won't even dare to say that I understand exactly how that feels, but I was very close to having my life altered forever, had God not intervened in a dear friend's life just in time. Please know that God understands your pain, and in that hurt, turn to Him for comfort and love that only the Almighty can provide. And finally, if you are unsure or skeptical that mental illnesses are real, I encourage you to do some research. Ask some questions, and be willing to look at it with an open mind. You might be surprised by what you discover. God loves you dearly, and He wants you to walk in truth. Every single one of you are precious in God's eyes, no matter what you're going through, or what you have faced. Because at the end of the day, as long as we have Christ, we are never truly alone. And now, it's our job to tell the hurting world of God's redemptive, healing love.
   

Villains and the Christian Writer: How Dark is Too Dark?

Villains. Nearly every story has one.

All writers know that there must be some form of opposition in their story. Oftentimes in fiction, the hero is thrust into the "journey" by the means of a villain, or at least an opposing force that disrupts their way of life in some way. After all, if nothing ever happened to change the hero's life or to shift their course, would they even become the hero they're later known to be? 

Villains have a very important role in the story, regardless of how terrible people (or creatures) they are. Because of their impact, they often carry a legacy long after the story is over. Why is it then that villains can be more remembered and popularized than heroes? Characters such as Darth Vader, the Joker, Hannibal Lecter, Sauron, and Voldemort are just a few examples of antagonists who have become very well known in our culture. Every good hero often has a contrasting villain who is good...at being bad. 

 Naturally, this legacy they carry isn't a good one, it is simply a memorable one. Our society tends to put a heavy focus on villains, and while that certainly is problematic, it is a phenomenon that should be addressed by Christian writers. There certainly are two sides to this coin, considering that there are many books and movies that make things too easy for the hero, leaving the reader with a character who seems overwhelmingly good without enough flaws that make them relatable. How can writers create stories with memorable heroes and villains without becoming cliche? And an even deeper question must be presented, which is the heartbeat of this article; where should Christian writers stand on writing villains, and how dark is too dark? 

I personally haven't shied away from presenting my villains as dark, depraved people. After all, we live in a fallen world that is ripe with sin and despair, and I personally believe that stories shouldn't sugarcoat that truth. The reality is that even though characters are indeed fictional, they still should be treated as real, three-dimensional people when written into a story. So often I read books with washed, ignorant heroes and FAR-too-attractive-for-their-own-good villains. However, on the other side of the coin, I have tried my best to present villains as people who are driven by something, and have motivations that back their actions. People often view themselves as the heroes in their own stories, and villains can certainly fall into this category.

Give heroes faults, and don't gloss over their weaknesses. Heroes are human, they have fears, and they are far from perfect. Give them a reason to want to give up, and a drive to live for something. Likewise, give villains qualities, don't make them one-sided antagonists. Villains are human, they have strengths, and often aren't purely evil. Give them a reason to want to fight, and a drive to die for something.  

Good villains are memorable in part because they are willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish their goals. They also are generally intelligent, charismatic people who tend to attract others to their causes. In fact, heroes can have these qualities too, but they aren't as prolific, and often are far more naive. Even though the 'ignorant hero' cliche often works, it also can often become boring...and when such a hero is contrasted by a complex, fully developed villain, they can be quickly overshadowed.

I have long striven as a writer to create heroes that are just as complex and fledged out as my villains. Even though I still have a lot to learn in my own writing journey, I know this goal is possible. We live in a culture that is obsessed with heroes. Movies about superheroes are always flooding the theaters, and prove that deep down, we long to feel safe, and protected, but sadly many of these heroes are one-dimensional and flat (don't worry, Avengers Endgame is NOT in that category, hehe). In order to create heroes that truly are worth the title, they have to be able to be just as interesting as the villain. As a Christian writer, my ultimate goal in writing my stories is to point people back to God, but sometimes showing the darkness for what it truly is can have a very impactful purpose. Yes, I believe there is a line that shouldn't be crossed, but depicting depravity that naturally takes place in a fallen world can be used as a tool to point people to the greatest hero of all, a hero that can truly set the captives free. 

Coming Soon: Wings of Revelation!

In the past couple of months, I have received countless messages and emails, all asking one question: when will Aragnar 3 be released? Thankfully, the answer is a good one: very soon! Editing took a little longer this go around, but my editor just finished up her last tweaks, and now all it needs is formatting to make it pretty! Even though I don't have an exact date yet, I'll be sure to let you all know as soon as I do! 

Naturally, this release it but one of the many plates I am spinning. My graduation is rapidly approaching (cue the Jaws music), and I'm quite immersed in the arduous process of writing book 4, Wings of Redemption. Why arduous, you might as? Well...you see, the fourth book is by far the most important, and not just because it is the last installation in the Aragnar series. It also will be the largest book in the series, chock-full of important things that will be even more important when I release my next book (now, cue evil laughter). I already have been having so much fun with it, and I can't wait to share the finale of this crazy story with you all! 

In the meantime, be prepared for book 3 and enjoy the beautiful cover art! Here is the official synopsis!

"For many decades, stories of betrayal, darkness, and blood have surrounded the mysterious land of Aragnar. Now, on the run and in desperate need of refuge, the Aragnarian people are scattered throughout their country, quickly losing their hope for a better future. When a young woman is forced to make the most difficult choices of her life, the consequences will affect her destiny, as well as the outcome of the looming war. 

The mighty Aragnarian kingdom Arinum has fallen, razed to the ground in dragon fire, and the whole world will shudder in its wake. A terrible conspiracy unfolds, and Aleron slowly begins to uncover how deep Lucius's grip on his country runs...at great cost. In Maria’s desperation to rescue him, she must make a choice…would she be willing to forever alter the fates of many to save the man she loves?"

I truly look forward to sharing this story with you all!

Far Side of the Sea: A Gem for any Historical Fiction Lover's Library

I recently was given the wonderful opportunity to read Kate Breslin's newest historical fiction, "Far Side of the Sea" before it was released yesterday. This book was so incredibly good, I had to write a shining review for it and share it with you all!  

"Far Side of the Sea" was a true triumph of a read, and has once again proven author Kate Breslin's skill at penning a story well worth reading. 

Set in WWI like her previous two novels, "Far Side of the Sea" follows the story of Lieutenant Colin Mabry, who happens to be the brother of Grace Mabry, the main character of "Not By Sight". I truly appreciated that she linked both books together, and seeing familiar faces in "Far Side of the Sea" felt as if I were reuniting with old friends. This novel follows the story of Colin as he struggles to adjust to life after receiving a major injury on the front. His relatively safe, predictable post is turned upside down when he receives a message by carrier pigeon...a message written by a young woman he had loved, Jewel Reyer, whom he had thought dead. 

The truth, however, is far more complicated, as Colin flies to war-ridden France only to discover that the note wasn't written by Jewel, but by her half-sister, Johanna. Initially distrustful of the young woman's motives, Colin soon learns that it is believed Jewel is indeed alive...but in the hands of a German agent. Determined to fulfill a promise of love he had made to Jewel, he sets out with Johanna to find her, despite the risks involved. As Colin and Johanna learn to trust each other to survive, not only to they begin to grow fond of one other, but the stakes are raised to an incredibly costly price. With the risk of enemy spies around every corner, every action they make is a potentially life-threatening one. As they draw closer to the truth, which is far more complex then either of them realized, they also grow closer together. 

"Far Side of the Sea" was a truly wonderful read, one that I couldn't put down. It was the perfect blend of suspense and romance, tastefully filled with Christian themes that never were overpowering or cliche. I loved getting to know Colin and Johanna, they were wonderfully fleshed-out characters who were very relatable and understandable. The fact that this story was set against the backdrop of WWI was very interesting, considering that there aren't many historical fiction books focusing on this incredibly interesting time period. Her stories always have been so immersive, and this book is no different. I have enjoyed every single book that Breslin has released, and second to For Such a Time, "Far Side of the Sea" certainly must be my next favorite! 

How to Train Your Dragon 3: An Emotional Climax to an Epic Trilogy

In a world of remakes and underwhelming films, every once and a while, a movie breaks from that stereotype and rises to the occasion, truly setting it apart. How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World did just that, and more, in the latest and final installation of the series.

Ever since the first How to Train Your Dragon movie hit theaters in 2010, I have truly loved the storytelling, complex world, and beautiful animation of these films. Ever a lover of a good, well-written fantasy, how could I not? The endearing story of a forbidden friendship forged in adversity truly warmed my heart. The second movie only continued to carry the mantle of the first, and so, with the knowledge that the third was indeed the final chapter in a film trilogy, I knew that it was most likely going to be very good, a little emotional, and well worth the cost to see it in theaters.

The Hidden world not only met those expectations, but exceeded them. Loaded with jaw-dropping animation that definitely took it up a notch from the last film, an emotionally gut-punching score, and a story of growth and life, the film truly was a treasure trove of topics to explore.

Hiccup is a character who I have truly loved, and seeing his growth over the span of three movies was truly special. I believe a lot of people my age can relate to his hesitation to embrace the unknown, and even his immediate denial of the changes rapidly coming his way. These hesitations  are what directs many of his actions in the first half of this film, and bring about consequences that only make things harder for him, as well as every human and dragon who call Berk home.

The following events provide very clear hints of the greater problem at stake: Hiccup's belief that without Toothless, he is nothing, and his inability to let the dragon go. He clings to the belief that the vikings and dragons are meant to live harmoniously no matter what danger their lifestyle attracts, and that letting them go is not even an option. His desperation to hold fast to this belief is obvious, as he suggests wild concepts to keep them all together. However, this isn't just about dragons, not even about toothless. Hiccup truly doubts his ability to lead, and is often seen running away from his more 'boring' responsibilities to be with his dragon. This obviously has caused a rift between him and the others, the most obvious being between him and his love interest, Astrid. Even though she loves him, she is hesitant to marry him when he's so set in his ways. 

We all can tend to avoid the things that scare us, even if it estranges us from those who truly care. And life Hiccup soon experiences, life has a way of pushing us into change, whether we like it or not. When Toothless encounters a female of his species, a natural distance begins to grow between dragon and rider. Even though Hiccup fights it at first, hopelessly believing that the wild, untamed "light fury" will somehow be content with the others in their human/dragon utopia, he soon comes to realize that nature is indeed taking its course, and he must stop fighting against it. 

Ultimately, the things we love the most are the things that we must one day let go. This truth was beautifully illustrated in a touching flashback, reinforcing that love, even though it hurts, is worth embracing. Hiccup learns this through a series of harrowing encounters, battles, and near-death experiences. As long as the dragons remain with the vikings, they will always be in danger from villains like Grimmel, who was responsible for killing off the rest of Toothless's kind. It is then that Hiccup sees the truth; if he truly loves his friend, he has to be willing to say goodbye.

There is something to be said here about friendships. Life has a way of changing relationships, and as we grow, there are times that we must part ways with people, things, places, or even parts of ourselves. However, that doesn't mean that it is permanent or bad...goodbyes don't always last forever. True friendships never die, and from a Christian perspective, we know that goodbyes, however permanent they seem (such as death) aren't final. Whether in this life or eternity, we know that friendships formed by God, trials, and years of closeness aren't broken, even if life causes natural separation for a time.  

The Hidden World truly was a wonderful yet tearful finale to a trilogy that proved that good storytelling still exists, even in Hollywood. Hopefully we will see more original content like this one in the future, because even though I am glad that they ended the series on a glorious note, I wasn't ready to see it end. But that's how all the best stories are, and how they should continue to be. 

A Call to Courage: The Ups and Downs of Life

It has been FAR too long since I posted, and in the flurry of life, I admittedly forgot that my last posting was months ago. My goodness, I know I'm going crazy! Though, in my defense (even though I honestly have little excuse) things have been ridiculously, insanely, busy. You'd think that a nearly-graduated college student with five years of undergrad studies under her belt would be accustomed to it by now. Well, you'd be wrong, but then again, so was I.

My semester began with a bang, but certainly with a bit more solemn a note. After all, a big chapter of my life is about to close, and honestly? That comes with so many different emotions. On one hand, it is very exciting, and the other, terrifying. Naturally, that's enough to make anyone stop and think about their future. (And hopefully, you'd already be doing that in my position). God has blessed me with a director's position in Liberty University's Center for Entrepreneurship, and my classes have been good, but challenging. Due to this schedule, life has been rushing forward at a breakneck pace, and I often have felt like I'm just along for the ride.

Have you ever felt like God is doing something big, but you yourself aren't even sure what that means? Or, it could very well be the opposite; have you felt like God is doing nothing in your life at all? Either way you feel, both are incredibly valid and need to be understood.

For me, its been a great degree of both. For the past month or so, I've felt very stuck, to a point of great frustration. After all, I'm about to graduate, and feeling stuck isn't a comforting thing when you feel like you're about to take off from a runway. Oh, speaking of runways, that leads to the next part. God gave me the incredible opportunity to attend CRU's internship preview weekend, and that meant I had to fly for the first time. Now, let me explain something here. I'm by no means afraid of heights, and have always been enamored by anything to do with wings. Well, that shouldn't surprise you, given the kind of novels I write. Anyway, it was through this experience that I not only learned I love flying as I always thought I would, but I learned a whole lot about myself, too. The weekend was truly amazing, and a gift from God. I met so many awesome people from all over the country, and got to know an organization that makes a real impact for Christ.

Then, I came back home, in a way confused, but also supercharged in my excitement. In the days that followed, I would have another incredibly awesome opportunity seemingly pop out of nowhere (as God likes to do), and then, it seemed as if everything was made clear. For about four years now, as some of you know well, I have felt God calling me to go to Germany. I'm not sure for how long, or what He even wants me to do over there, but I cannot deny that he has placed that country on my heart. I may, at long last, have a chance to travel overseas, and I truly am so excited to see if I can get this chance! Long story short, God used a crazy trip to show me that I had been discrediting myself, and it gave me the courage to see more of what I truly wanted, and where I want to go. God is my king even in the chaos, and despite the turmoil of the "what's next?" questions that scream in my mind, I know that He is guiding me through it. You see, God has this way of pulling us out of our comfort zones to show us who He is. And sometimes, who we are, too.

But courage isn't often easy, and honestly, I don't think it ever will be. There have been many times in my life when I haven't felt even a bit of courage, and the darkness seemed to be much stronger then God. Perhaps you're in a similar place now. Maybe you can't see the light in your life, if you think there is any at all. Does hopelessness knock at your door? It could be. We are often so good at hiding what's hurting our hearts, to the point that we have hidden that hurt from ourselves. Despite what you may think, God doesn't want you drowning in the darkness, and He hasn't abandoned you if you feel that way. Sometimes God speaks to us in very strange ways. Whether it was through a trip, a friend, a person you've never met, or even a sign; He doesn't ever stop talking to us. Our problem is that we need to be better listeners.

Regardless of where you are in life, know that you're not alone. It isn't hopeless, no matter the situation. Your life isn't pointless, even when your head screams at you and tells you that nothing matters, including yourself. God has the victory, the enemy is defeated, and courage isn't lost even when the heart feels too heavy to carry one more burden. Press onward, even in the darkest moment, and I promise you that when that first ray of light touches your skin, you'll realize that the fight was worth it, all along.